April 08, 2000

Kokopelli news staff and clan:
Lewis, Grada, Carol, Kris, Bob,
Patti, Taylor, Lin, Katie.

And now,
Kokopelli News Network brings you - the KNN MidDay News,
with your anchors, Hans and Shamanz Lowen
"News from around the worlds", Lower, Middle, and Upper.

Our lead story this afternoon:

Good morning, I'm Hans Lowen, and I'm happy. Our lead story this morning has to do with the fate of a silver fox. We reported yesterday that a silver fox had created major omens when it walked across the World Map, allegedly leaving footprints around South America and blessing the center of the earth. However KNN has received a copy of a police report indicating that the fox was caught sitting on the tire wall bordering the World Map. His body has not been recovered, but confidential sources close to the investigation claim that an arrest of a drum maker is imminent.

And now this late breaking news:
A group of women shamans was arrested last night skinny dipping at the pool. When taken into custody they would only give their names as the Bare Sisters and claimed they were working on a mid-life strengthening ritual.

And now this local news:
The Tenders of Sacred Circles collapsed early this morning while working out the details of tonights ritual. When trying to decide if the group should dance clockwise or counterclockwise, they had to journey on it. When they wanted to know if they were done with their journey, their spirit helpers told them to journey on it, which left them in a catatonic stupor. MIchael Harner was called at his home in Mill Valley to seek his assistance in how to call them back, and his advice was "journey on it."

Our news short for today:
Roland and Daniel, on the way to their workshop, were heard saying: "Good grief, I'm lost"

And now for a Public Service Announcement:
Public Health Announcement:
Shamans who have been incapacitated by too much journeying will be served their food on molded plastic baby trays, eliminating the problems with losing all those plates and bowls.

And now a word from our sponsor:
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Our World News continues with this story:
Federal Agents were called to the scene of a cult ritual at the Y Camp athletic field on Friday night. After demonstrating the archaic Chicken Dance in the dining hall, cult leaders took their members on a nightime march to the field where they were hypnotized into a trance with a giant fox hide drum and induced to imitate chickens as they danced in a circle in the dark. The leaders of the cult call themselves "13 Piece Chicken Tenders".

And now this:
Attendees of the oracle gathering discovered that due to the complexity of the showers, a buddy showering system was imperative. Notes could be found on all the bulletin boards requesting shower partners with comments like "I'll push your button if you push mine."

Finally, our feature story this afternoon:
For centuries, Kokopelli traveled the earth as a fertility symbol, walking from village to village with his pack of seeds on his back, playing his flute and fertilizing the land and any girls or women he could lay his hands on, taking no responsibility for the havoc he wrought, the aboriginal absent father.

At the beginning of the 20th century, facing increasing pressure to meet his child support payments, Kokopelli had to take a job working for the Burpee Seed Company. He was forced to wear the corporate uniform and meet monthly quotas for seeds spread. By 1990, as world population continued to increase to critical levels, Kokopelli came under intense criticism as he travelled the world with his pack of seeds, his flute, and his message of fertility.

In April 2000 Kokopelli stumbled upon the Oracle shamanic gathering, had a major spiritual awakening while spreading seeds on the World Map, quit his corporate job with Burpee, and after two thousand years and fathering nearly three trillion children, decided to become the god of family planning.

Kokopelli can now be seen travelling from town to town, his pack now filled with condoms. Sponsored by Trojan, he wears a condom over his flute and a large blue condom as a hat on his head. His new image, looking like a distorted banana, is being painted on the walls of freeway on ramps and billboards, creating the petroglyphs for future generations.

So that wraps up the KNN Midday News.
News from around the worlds, Lower, Middle and Upper.
And remember, if you want to know the news?
Journey on it!